So as some readers may or may not have notcied (depending on who gives a shit about my rants), I took the weekend off…I’d like to say it was because I was living it up on some tropical island or partying on a cruise or even working to make some extra dough…But no, I was celebrating the deaths of our war heroes like most hot fat Americans: eating way too many burgers, chicken and steak tips and drinking myself into a stooper that lasted from friday though tuesday morning…And ofcourse, some interesting stuff occured
Friday I went to a local bar…The kind of bar where everybody knows my name…Whether they were glad I came or not, I don’t know and I don’t care…Cheap booze + bad kareoke + crazy-ass drunks = a big smile on the Angry Fat Guy’s fat face…I know pretty much everyone in this bar either by name or face or even what they drink (I call one gal peppermint shnapps Patty), but friday there was a weirdo who I had never seen before…He was sitting by himself at on end of the bar with his face buried deep into a kareoke selection catalog…It was an empty part of the bar and very bartender-accesible…I was at the bar with my girlfriend and a friend of hers and normally I’d send one of them up to get the drinks (they fly I buy, a rule ALL hot fat guys should live by), but I didn’t want them to have to talk to this nut bag…Good call on my part as this guy turned out to be seven shades of crazy
I order the drinks, and he never even looked up out of the catalog but mumbled “Hey guy, you play poker?” …I do, and I told him that…”I play poker six nights a week, and I’m great at skeeball, I bet you are too” my new shady friend said…Random, but the fact is, I am very good at skeeball…So now, I’m thinking I might somehow know this guy when finally he looks, tells me his name and says “What do you drink Jack and diets?”.. I DO! But I had ordered three vodka and cranberrys because it was easier to say and I’ll drink anything, but Jack and diets are infact my drink of choice.
“Do I know you dude?” I finally asked…He said not unless I used to live in Jersey because he’s lived there his whole life and is only in the Boston area for a wedding…Now is a good time to tell you that he was wearing a Nomar Garciaparra Red Sox jersey…Nomah hasn’t played here since the middle of the ‘04 season…Now, enough time has passed that if a Sox fan wore that shirt to a bar it possibly could be considered funny, but mostly any Sox fan who still owns that shirt would probably only wear it out if he lost a bet…Plus, keep in mind this dude says he’s from New Jersey (no accent by the way, he sounded more southern, but whatever…Also, he never looked me in the eye at all when he spoke to me…He had that crazy look to the side of me thing going on)
So when the bartender comes back, she asks where my girlfriend is…I was just about to point her out when crazy Jersey guy blurts out “Blonde girl with pink streaks wearing the hoodie at the table by the door”…Whoa! I had walked in with her, scoped out the scene, asked her what she wanted to drink and went straight to the bar…Crazy Nomar fan never looked up until way after that and it would have been very balsy for him to assume she was my girlfriend with no pryor knowledge of it…Now I was a little nervous…The bartender, who knows my girlfriend pretty good, shot me a look as if to say “this guy’s nuttier than a three-balled squirel” and I shot a look back that said “I think this guy might be stalking me, he’s creeping me out” and then I actually said “Dude, you’re creeping me the fuck out” to which he responded “what’s up with your girl’s friend, she’s kinda cute”
Luckily, cuckoo for cocoa puffs sang a bad version of Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive,” was promptly shut off and walked out by some of the regulars who also happen to beat people up for a fun…He walked around the parking lot like a zombie walking on broken glass until his cab showed up…Hopefully, I will never see him again
Saturday was a quiet day…Went to a BBQ, played some bad backyard games and watched my buddy fight with his wife…Oh, I raced and beat a girl in a chug contest…We chugged hard iced tea, so it was hardly fair…Basically it was like me hydrating after drinking a bunch of beers…And the fact that I beat a girl is irrelevant beacuse she challenged me…You don’t ask to ride the bull if you’re gonna cry when you get thrown off, honey…The highlight of my weekend though was that I ate about 2 lbs of boneless buffalo chicken from Windy City Pizza in Dorchester, MA…If you’re in the neighborhood, try them! www.windypizza.com
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