So, I’m at a bar the other night, and I’m not going to plug it because it sucked…When did suburban Boston area bars get the nerve to hire ugly-ass bartenders and charge ridiculous prices for watered-down drinks…It’s kinda the rule, the hotter your staff, the pricier the drink…It’s common sense that I’ll pay top dollar when I’m at Marina Bay getting served Jack and Diets until I can barely walk because I have tanned up college-aged knockouts, wearing little more than a tight belly shirt and very high shorts handing me the drinks…But when I go to a neighborhood bar and have to deal with a woman who looks like she coaches girls soccer, definately drives a mini-van and wears baggier clothes than Kriss Kross used to, I in no way expect to pay nearly as much for my drink…It’s bad business and I will not be going there again.
Anyway, that wasn’t my point…So I’m at said bar and my buddy comes over to me and says “Hey man, is it weird if I’m in the bathroom alone and some guy comes over and uses the urinal right next to me, even though there are four other unoccupied urinals in the bathroom?”
Is it weird? No…Crop circles are weird…The fact that Britney Spears is still allowed to make music is weird…The fact that I used to think Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, was kinda hot is pretty weird too…A grown man anchoring himself next to another grown man in an empty bathroom is absolutely 100% without-a-doubt wrong…I don’t like to wash my hands in a bathroom when other people are using the sink, even if there are multiple sinks, so yeah, if you’re going to come over and use the urinal directly beside me when other urinals are an option, I take exception to that.
The thing is, there is no excuse for it…I mean, even if a friend happened to be in there when I walk in, you still use another urinal, it’s absolute guy code…What possible reasoning would anybody have for doing this? The guy couldn’t have been gay…Gay men are way more proud than to hit on another man via the toilet…Also, they are more suave and presumably much more confident than to approach a man at his most vulnerable…So rule that out.
Does the offending gentleman feel the need to be friendly at that particular moment? It’s possible…Some guys are very socially awkward and mistake an empty bathroom for a press conference podium…They see the opportunity to ask another man a series of questions while he can’t go anywhere for a minute and possibly follow him out to get all the dirt…Maybe the dude just has pee problems and needs someone to make him feel comfortable while he urinates…Or maybe the guy is afraid of empty bathrooms and wants to stay close incase something goes down…You’ll have the Praying Mantis technique at your disposal (pun intended).
No, in all likeliness this jackass just got too drunk off of Jaeger bombs and ‘buca shots before he left his apartment, and didn’t realize he was breaking guy ettiqutte rule numero uno: Don’t piss next to another dude unless you absolutely are forced to…There’s no doubt this guy thinks very highly of himself, and couldn’t care less about anybody who isn’t him…Therefore, he obviously didn’t see anybody in the bathroom other than himself and, feeling entitled to everything because daddy didn’t spank him, grabbed the urinal next to my buddy just to be a dick…He probably even gave him that “I’m better than you” look, followed by the “I make more money than you and score more chicks than god” nod, even though he doesn’t on either account…All this actually does is let the world know what he’s thinking when he’s the only one left in the bathroom…As he’s staring at his worthless face in the mirror, he gives himself the “I have a tiny penis, nobody actually likes me they just use me, but I’m gonna act awesome to overcome my fear of failure” wink to himself…He then leaves the bathroom and goes back into a world that is better off without him.
But I just shrugged and said to my friend “Yeah dude, that’s pretty weird, did you give him your number?”
Thanks,
The Angry Fat Guy
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