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   You’re kidding me…Really? A reputable station like MTV staged an awkward moment at a red carpet event? Get outta here…I sir am not buying it

   But it’s true…It’s now been leaked, via MTV head writer, Scott Aukerman’s blog, that the “mishap” at the MTV Movie Awards show was, infact, rehearsed…The incident, dubbed “butt-gate” (apparently by people who have nothing better to do than dub stupid things by stupid names) happened when Sacha Baron Cohen, wearing butless pants, fell from the rafters onto Eminem’s face…In case you have a brain and don’t happen to watch MTV because you need your brain cells, here’s a link from youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNY-vctmSU0&feature=related

   Ofcourse, anybody who is older than 14 should have realized this was staged…I mean come on, dropping a guy pretending to be a gay dude on Eminem, the poster boy for homophobia, is so obvoiusly a set-up…It’s like dropping a black dude on Archie Bunker, or a non-orphaned baby on Angelina Jolie, those coincidences don’t happen in real life…If Cohen, dressed as his gay alter-ego Bruno, had fallen on someone like Adam Sandler or even Miley Cyrus, I may have believed it for a second.

   And if Eminem “storming off, angry” was suppossed to get us to buy this stunt, then nobody told the producers Eminem can’t act…Has nobody seen “8 Mile”? He made Mekhi Phifer look like an Oscar winner as Eminem struggled to look the part, in a movie loosely based on himself…Bad choice MTV…And when his entourage full of “thugs” came to the rescue they half-heartedly spun Bruno around like a tetherball…Real thugs would have shot him instantly, didn’t they learn anything from the east coast/west coast fueds?

   Anyway, this is the half-assed (pun intended), childish, poorly planned out crap MTV has been spewing for so long that it’s almost funny again…But not as funny as giving Ben Stiller a generation  award, which I guess is MTV’s version of the lifetime acheivement award…How much cred can your show have when you give an award like this to a 43 year old? And how did Stiller qualify? By playing the same role he’s been playing for the last 12 years…Seriously, every movie since he was in “Reality Bites” has had him play the same character they just change the cast, situations and it gets less funny…Oh, and “Reality Bites” sucked! If any Stiller deserves an award it’s Jerry for not strangling is non-funny hack of a son while he had the chance.

   All we learned from this stupid, rehearsed, oopsie moment is that Sacha Baron Cahen is not funny, Eminem is no longer relevant, and MTV’s target audience is probably retarded

Thanks,

The Angry Fat Guy

   …And then let’s dig up Richard Nixon and let him take over for Obama…And then let’s tell newly appointed Supreme Court judge Sonia Sotomayor that we decided to let O.J. Simpson have the job instead…Finally, we can strip Kavya Shivashanker (great name btw) of her National Spelling Bee title and hand it over to Billy Madison.

   Firts off, I’d like to admit that I’m not completely against the use of Performance Enchancing drugs if evrybody was allowed to use them and they were used correctly…I mean how awesome would it be to see guys like Dustin Pedroia smashing 500 foot homeruns on the regular and to see pitchers throwing well into the 100 mph range deep into ball games?

   That said, Manny did use a banned substance and was suspended, without appeal from Manny himself, and should not be allowed to buy a ticket to the Allstar game, much less start for the National League…It’s a sad but true fact that most players are probably using PEDs, but getting caught comes with a price that Manny needs to pay.

   Now, you’re probably saying “Hey Angry Fat Guy, you’re just eating sour grapes because you don’t like Manny due to the fact he quit on the Redsox last year”…Which is false…I loved Manny…He was one of my all-time favorite players and, steroids or no steroids, probably still is…What he brought to Boston when he was actually trying was something I can’t put into words…2004 and 2007 may not have happened if it weren’t for Manny and I will never forget that…Unfortunately, and we may never know for sure, he may have been juiced the whole time.

   But I digress…I’m astonished that a league who won’t let Pete Rose (and arguably, rightfully so) into it’s Hall Of Fame has not stepped up and taken Manny’s name off of the allstar ballots…The league is terrifed that its stars are all cheaters, and now it’s possible one of the bigger stars will be glorified for his use of PEDs and voted by fans into its allstar game…The league should be even more fearful because that will raise questions about its fans not caring if the athletes do use steroids, which could tarnish the league even more.

   Again, I admit I’m not against the use of steroids if it was somehow possibly to safely administer them to the league…My problem is that they are illegal and Manny cheated…He cheated and was punished, and that punishment should include the loss of certain privledges, like being voted into an allstar game…Call me old-fashioned…Hell, I am old-fashioned…I’m Orville Redenbacher old-fashioned…I like my beer cold, my sex misionary, and my baseball allstars to be deserving, steroid-free, non-cheaters…I’m old school baby.

   Manny’s spot on the allstar team would take a spot away from somebody who does deserve to be showcased…And if MLB doesn’t take a stand and allows Manny to be voted in, thus showcasing him and the fact that he cheated, and glorifying what he did, then this Fat Guy will be scarfing down hotdogs and beer while watching another program…How do like them apples Bud Selig?

Thanks,

The Angry Fat Guy

   If I had to narrow down the things I seriously loathe to my most hated thing, driving in MA would easily be number one…I guess celebrity gossip and bees would be up there too, but nowhere near driving in my home state…I swear everytime I get into my car it’s like I hit the power button on my Playstation because I seriously feel like I’m in a live-action video game…I never know when an old lady will try to cross in front of me or when that idiot will cut me off and then proceed to go thirteen miles per hour under the speed limit, preventing me from getting anywhere…Seriously dick, why the hell were you in such a rush to get in front of me if you are in no hurry to go the legal speed limit or get out of my way?…I wonder, do these people just sit and wait for someone to drive on their street so they can violently swerve in front of them with no intention other than driving sixteen miles per hour in front of someone? Are they just lonely and want road company? It’s like they are playing their own little game and I’M the lucky contestant…But nobody ever wins

   It would be way too long for me to list all the reasosn I hate driving in MA, so I’ll be randomly ranting about my driving mishaps as they occur…And they literally occur all the damn time…I feel as though I’m being tested everyday by a higher power to see if I will snap and lose it someday…And I can never pass the test, I can only fail it by losing my shit and beating the tits off of some jerk who won’t stop tailgating me, even though there are 3 other lanes of traffic for him to easily pass me.

   Anyway, I wanted to list just one road peeve of mine right now…It’s a shame actually, all these newer model cars that are being sold without signals that work properly…That can be the only expanation for why so many Masshole drivers never signal before turning…Either their blinkers don’t work or they are the laziest human beings alive…How hard is it to flick a lever that is located about one-third of an inch from where your hand is already placed? Is it that much trouble to drop or raise one finger to hit a switch that would be enough to warn other drivers when you are turning your two thousand pound vehicle onto another road? Is it that these people feel they shouldn’t have to be bothered to flick god knows how many levers throughout their day for the amusement of others? It’s honestly disturbing how far we’ve come with technology and we can’t find a way for a driver to scratch his ass, drink his coffee and actually drive safely at the same damn time…I’m uphalued that the car makers haven’t found a way for us to telepathically signal when we wanna turn

   Lastly, I’m willing to bet these world-beaters are changing radio stations constantly but, again, can’t be bothered to show even the smallest bit of respect for other drivers, not to mention obey the law by using their directional signals…The problem isn’t so much that they have failed at life, it’s that they are having children and ultimately breeding more failure into society.

   So as some readers may or may not have notcied (depending on who gives a shit about my rants), I took the weekend off…I’d like to say it was because I was living it up on some tropical island or partying on a cruise or even working to make some extra dough…But no, I was celebrating the deaths of our war heroes like most hot fat Americans: eating way too many burgers, chicken and steak tips and drinking myself into a stooper that lasted from friday though tuesday morning…And ofcourse, some interesting stuff occured

   Friday I went to a local bar…The kind of bar where everybody knows my name…Whether they were glad I came or not, I don’t know and I don’t care…Cheap booze + bad kareoke + crazy-ass drunks = a big smile on the Angry Fat Guy’s fat face…I know pretty much everyone in this bar either by name or face or even what they drink (I call one gal peppermint shnapps Patty), but friday there was a weirdo who I had never seen before…He was sitting by himself at on end of the bar with his face buried deep into a kareoke selection catalog…It was an empty part of the bar and very bartender-accesible…I was at the bar with my girlfriend and a friend of hers and normally I’d send one of them up to get the drinks (they fly I buy, a rule ALL hot fat guys should live by), but I didn’t want them to have to talk to this nut bag…Good call on my part as this guy turned out to be seven shades of crazy

   I order the drinks, and he never even looked up out of the catalog but mumbled “Hey guy, you play poker?” …I do, and I told him that…”I play poker six nights a week, and I’m great at skeeball, I bet you are too” my new shady friend said…Random, but the fact is, I am very good at skeeball…So now, I’m thinking I might somehow know this guy when finally he looks, tells me his name and says “What do you drink Jack and diets?”.. I DO! But I had ordered three vodka and cranberrys because it was easier to say and I’ll drink anything, but Jack and diets are infact my drink of choice.

   “Do I know you dude?” I finally asked…He said not unless I used to live in Jersey because he’s lived there his whole life and is only in the Boston area for a wedding…Now is a good time to tell you that he was wearing a Nomar Garciaparra Red Sox jersey…Nomah hasn’t played here since the middle of the ‘04 season…Now, enough time has passed that if a Sox fan wore that shirt to a bar it possibly could be considered funny, but mostly any Sox fan who still owns that shirt would probably only wear it out if he lost a bet…Plus, keep in mind this dude says he’s from New Jersey (no accent by the way, he sounded more southern, but whatever…Also, he never looked me in the eye at all when he spoke to me…He had that crazy look to the side of me thing going on)

   So when the bartender comes back, she asks where my girlfriend is…I was just about to point her out when crazy Jersey guy blurts out “Blonde girl with pink streaks wearing the hoodie at the table by the door”…Whoa! I had walked in with her, scoped out the scene, asked her what she wanted to drink and went straight to the bar…Crazy Nomar fan never looked up until way after that and it would have been very balsy for him to assume she was my girlfriend with no pryor knowledge of it…Now I was a little nervous…The bartender, who knows my girlfriend pretty good, shot me a look as if to say “this guy’s nuttier than a three-balled squirel” and I shot a look back that said “I think this guy might be stalking me, he’s creeping me out” and then I actually said “Dude, you’re creeping me the fuck out” to which he responded “what’s up with your girl’s friend, she’s kinda cute”

   Luckily, cuckoo for cocoa puffs sang a bad version of Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive,” was promptly shut off and walked out by some of the regulars who also happen to beat people up for a fun…He walked around the parking lot like a zombie walking on broken glass until his cab showed up…Hopefully, I will never see him again

   Saturday was a quiet day…Went to a BBQ, played some bad backyard games and watched my buddy fight with his wife…Oh, I raced and beat a girl in a chug contest…We chugged hard iced tea, so it was hardly fair…Basically it was like me hydrating after drinking a bunch of beers…And the fact that I beat a girl is irrelevant beacuse she challenged me…You don’t ask to ride the bull if you’re gonna cry when you get thrown off, honey…The highlight of my weekend though was that I ate about 2 lbs of boneless buffalo chicken from Windy City Pizza in Dorchester, MA…If you’re in the neighborhood, try them! www.windypizza.com

   I work overnights so I see my fair share of the creepiness that Boston and its suburbs have to offer…Almost every night I stop by a certain 7-11 convenience store and get my hotfatguy snack fix…Usually this consists of an energy drink, 2 candy bars and either a bag of chips or if I’m feeling more on the healthier side, a bag of peanuts (because on the fatguy food pyramid, peanuts are about as healthy  as it gets)

   The past two nights, i’ve been blessed with two great expeeriences…Two nights ago was much funnier but you really had to be there to enjoy it…To sum it up, there was a teen who was very openly gay being a jerk…The two clerk wouldn’t sell him cigarettes or scrath tickets because he didn’t have an ID…Fair enough I thought…So when they motioned me over to pay for my goodies, he got mad at me and dropped a very sharp “excuuuuuse me!”

   Now, there was two clerks, two registers and more than enough room for both of our fat asses (mine being fatter, but he wasn’t far behind, pun intended) so I just gave him my “dude I’m fat, hungry and now I feel awkward” face and expected it to be over…But he brushed by me yelped a high-pitch “excuse me” and then called me sweaty…Which I was (side note: I had just come from the gym on my way into work, I’m fat but I do workout enough to avoid a heart attack, but barely)…At this point his fag hag friend, who couldn’t have more than 14 herself, got right in my face and screamed “leave him alone!”

   Now I hadn’t said a damn word yet…I was just being my fat sweaty self trying to buy some delicious post-workout, pre-work snacks…I then actually snapped at the young lady “Tell you’re boyfriend to shut the hell up, and I am completely serious when I say that”…They both shut up, possibly because I’m well over 300 lbs, sweating and had that look in my eye of a man who needed his nesquick NOW…So I succesfully frightened a gay teenager and his tween girl friend…And if they are for some reason reading this, I wanna appologize by saying S my C, I hate the both of you, you made me forget to buy my diet coke, rot in hell

   Ok, so the other incident happened last night…The second I stepped out of my car, I was approached by a woman asking me for gas money…Now, I had actually been there about a month ago when this same lady pulled this trick on an unsuspecting dude who gave her money and when he left she took off in a different direction than she came from…That’s not the funny part…The 7-11 is located adjacent to a gas station……The woman’s angle was that she walks out of that gas station parking lot, points to the gas station and asks for gas money.

   Well, there’s actually no car anywhere near where she points…And the gas station closed about 4 hours earlier…But it’s genius because most 7-11 customers are wasted out of their tits at that time of night so they probably see a woman in distress, pointing to an empty gas station and asking for gas money and think nothing of it.

   Here’s where I get pissed off…After I declined her offer to give her money, she touched me and thanked me anyway…She touched me! I don’t wanna be touched by anybody in front of a 7-11, never mind some crazy-ass weirdo who walks up to me looking like she just stepped out of the “Thriller” video…So now I don’t know if I have the swine flu, or lepreacy or whatever else someone can pickup from crazy people…Maybe I contracted the crazy gene? Am I gonna crazy now? Goddammit if you’re insane, please don’t touch me…Don’t even talk to me from now on because I’m going to probably spit at you

   Ofcourse, if you are crazy enough to ask me for money for your invisible car which you’re getting gas for from a closed station, you probably do not own a computer to read that warning…Unless ofcourse you have one on your spaceship and you read this on your way back the Planet crazy

Thanks,

The Angry Fat Guy

   Greetings…I’m so happy to be apart of the HotFatGuys writing staff…Finally, a place where a fat guy can be appreciated…And more importantly, a forum where I, a heavy-set american, can be free to rant and rave about all the annoying things in life without scaring small children and old ladies…And by annoying I don’t mean the lack of McDonald’s that carry the McRib, although it does suck because I was a huge fan of the McRib…I mean the everyday things that piss me off like traffic, long lines, and that kid from the movie “Twilight”…I’ve heard some young girls say he’s the new Leo…I’m sorry my man, but you’ll never be Leo

   Little things like these set me off slightly…Not enough to punch babies, but just enough to lose my cool for a minute, stare blankly and then go off on a rant…This is almost always followed by an emotional eating binge and an alcohol-filled “cool down time”…I don’t handle stress well

   So to sum myself up, I’m an overweight, angry, hungry alcoholic whose blood pressure is surely off the charts…I don’t however have diabetes, as it runs in my family and I get tested regularly…So I got that going for me.

   Finally, I’d like to address an email I received asking me my take on the correct terminology between fupa or gunt…Although I believe fupa is the more PC word to use, gunt rolls of the tongue better…I think if you’re in a crowd and there are women present, fupa should be the word of choice…However, speaking strictly from a man’s point of view, I like the word gunt…It basically calls it what it is…So I’m going to dub gunt the correct terminology

   Thanks and I look forward to ranting in the very near future

We have signed on a new writer, he is a HotFatGuy in every sense of the word and he is angry at…. pretty much everything.

His humor is top shelf, want his 2 cents on something? Email him: angryfatguy@hotfatguys.com .

His rants will be posted on the main page or click on the “Fat Guy Rants” category above.

Enjoy!

-Biff