I was going to wait until tomorrow to post but well… two things.
1) As a 30 year old married HotFatGuy the majority of my recreation happens in my home. Mostly friends come over, we grill, drink beer and play Rock Band.
2) I love Papa Ginos and there is one right around the corner so we order from there quite a bit.
What does one have to do with another you ask?
I just ordered the special from Papa’s and 40 minutes later the delivery guy showed up. Yes even though it’s less than 5 minutes away I still get it delivered.
So I go to the door to pay for the pizza and prepare for the basic “hey man, how much?”, “ok, thanks” bit.
I open the door and he has the bag that keeps the pizza hot in one hand and my 2 liter of diet coke in the other (yes, DIET coke).
I go to grab the Diet Coke from him and he gives me the “you don’t remember me” look.
I’m understandably confused so I continue with the script, “how much is it bro” which leads to this dialogue:
Pizza Guy: “I’m not sure… ahhh $22 and change”
HotFatGuy: (handing him $30) “ok just give me $3 back”
Pizza Guy: “No Rock Band tonight?”
HotFatGuy: (puzzeled) “no, not tonight”
Pizza Guy: “My wife’s grandmother just bought a blue ray player and it’s already obsolete. So I told her about PS3 and she went out and spent like $800 on PS3 and games and stuff.”
HotFatGuy: “Your wife’s grandmother bought a PS3″.
Pizza Guy: “Yeah the blue ray player software can’t be updated so it doesn’t work anymore so I told her about the PS3 and she bought one”
HotFatGuy: “wow”
Pizza Guy: “Yeah and she bought Guitar Hero!”
HotFatGuy: “ok man, have a nice night” (I close the door)
I sigh and turn around with the pizza and my wife is staring at me laughing.
I say “I need to take control of my life” I say, before she can say anything.
The comedy here is 2 fold, first this guy has been here enough he feels comfortable sharing his personal life with me. Second, I was drunk enough the last time or times he was here that I don’t remember him at all.
So yeah, I’m so f’n fat and such a drunk that I have developed a personal relationship with the Papa Ginos delivery guy. Pretty soon he’ll be hanging at my house between deliveries and I’ll be putting him in a sleeper hold like Chief Jay Strongbow.
Let me first say that I am honored to be part of HotFatGuys.com. Food, hot chicks, angry rants – what more could anyone want?
I’m a pretty tech savvy dude, so most of my posts will be geared towards gadgets, internet/computer fun, and other random tidbits, like how bad Nickelback sucks. Seriously, they do. They’re awful. And the worst part about them is they spawned like 400 bands that sound like them!
Sorry, ADD moment. Anyway – Hulu.com came out with a brand new toy this week in Hulu Desktop. So now instead of going to Hulu.com and navigating through your browser, you can simply launch this application and have access to allmost of their content (it’s still being worked on,so not everything is available). First impressions – It’s fast. I am running a lower-end Dell Laptop and it runs great for me. Its minimum requirements are an Intel Pentium Core Duo 1.8GHz At least 2.0 GB of RAM and either XP or later for Windows users and OSX 10.4 for Mac Users. Not top of the line by any means, but this won’t run on an old beat up machine.
I fired it up and watched an episode of ALF where he prepares for a new baby’s arrival to the family by re-enacting scenes from the Dick Van Dyke show. I mean let’s face it, this is the reason people go to Hulu – well, that and Married…with Children - oh and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – and I was able to watch with no issues whatsoever.
The interface is very smooth, easy to navigate and seemed very familiar to me – this is because it looks a lot like Boxee. I’ve been lucky enough to have Boxee running for a few months now (its still in alpha testing phase for Windows) and it still has a leg up on Hulu, but I can see why the two companies have been at odds as of late.
Sweet Interface, lots of shows – Alec Baldwin was right.
Now, I don’t think this will replace the site itself due to the whole sharing videos aspect of Hulu. However, it’s great if you’re looking to watch a bunch of clips or shows on your laptop or your home media center without opening your already cluttered browser.
Speaking of Hulu, I’ll leave you with this – a NEW celebrity Jeopardy sketch from SNL from May 16 with Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell reprising his role as Alex Trebek and a few other surprises. Classic!
Ladies and gentleman, it is with great pleasure that I introduce Fat Head to the HotFatGuys staff.
At first I questioned weather or not he was Fat enough to join the team.
Once I confirmed his membership on a bar league softball team and the Wii fit rating of “Obese” it was a go!
Fat Head is going to be our resident techie and music guy. If you have any questions our comment related to those things, or anything else… drop him a line fathead@hotfatguys.com
There will be a recap article coming about the wedding that I attended for the last 3 days, just a little to hungover to put pen to paper right now.
…And then let’s dig up Richard Nixon and let him take over for Obama…And then let’s tell newly appointed Supreme Court judge Sonia Sotomayor that we decided to let O.J. Simpson have the job instead…Finally, we can strip Kavya Shivashanker (great name btw) of her National Spelling Bee title and hand it over to Billy Madison.
Firts off, I’d like to admit that I’m not completely against the use of Performance Enchancing drugs if evrybody was allowed to use them and they were used correctly…I mean how awesome would it be to see guys like Dustin Pedroia smashing 500 foot homeruns on the regular and to see pitchers throwing well into the 100 mph range deep into ball games?
That said, Manny did use a banned substance and was suspended, without appeal from Manny himself, and should not be allowed to buy a ticket to the Allstar game, much less start for the National League…It’s a sad but true fact that most players are probably using PEDs, but getting caught comes with a price that Manny needs to pay.
Now, you’re probably saying “Hey Angry Fat Guy, you’re just eating sour grapes because you don’t like Manny due to the fact he quit on the Redsox last year”…Which is false…I loved Manny…He was one of my all-time favorite players and, steroids or no steroids, probably still is…What he brought to Boston when he was actually trying was something I can’t put into words…2004 and 2007 may not have happened if it weren’t for Manny and I will never forget that…Unfortunately, and we may never know for sure, he may have been juiced the whole time.
But I digress…I’m astonished that a league who won’t let Pete Rose (and arguably, rightfully so) into it’s Hall Of Fame has not stepped up and taken Manny’s name off of the allstar ballots…The league is terrifed that its stars are all cheaters, and now it’s possible one of the bigger stars will be glorified for his use of PEDs and voted by fans into its allstar game…The league should be even more fearful because that will raise questions about its fans not caring if the athletes do use steroids, which could tarnish the league even more.
Again, I admit I’m not against the use of steroids if it was somehow possibly to safely administer them to the league…My problem is that they are illegal and Manny cheated…He cheated and was punished, and that punishment should include the loss of certain privledges, like being voted into an allstar game…Call me old-fashioned…Hell, I am old-fashioned…I’m Orville Redenbacher old-fashioned…I like my beer cold, my sex misionary, and my baseball allstars to be deserving, steroid-free, non-cheaters…I’m old school baby.
Manny’s spot on the allstar team would take a spot away from somebody who does deserve to be showcased…And if MLB doesn’t take a stand and allows Manny to be voted in, thus showcasing him and the fact that he cheated, and glorifying what he did, then this Fat Guy will be scarfing down hotdogs and beer while watching another program…How do like them apples Bud Selig?
If I had to narrow down the things I seriously loathe to my most hated thing, driving in MA would easily be number one…I guess celebrity gossip and bees would be up there too, but nowhere near driving in my home state…I swear everytime I get into my car it’s like I hit the power button on my Playstation because I seriously feel like I’m in a live-action video game…I never know when an old lady will try to cross in front of me or when that idiot will cut me off and then proceed to go thirteen miles per hour under the speed limit, preventing me from getting anywhere…Seriously dick, why the hell were you in such a rush to get in front of me if you are in no hurry to go the legal speed limit or get out of my way?…I wonder, do these people just sit and wait for someone to drive on their street so they can violently swerve in front of them with no intention other than driving sixteen miles per hour in front of someone? Are they just lonely and want road company? It’s like they are playing their own little game and I’M the lucky contestant…But nobody ever wins
It would be way too long for me to list all the reasosn I hate driving in MA, so I’ll be randomly ranting about my driving mishaps as they occur…And they literally occur all the damn time…I feel as though I’m being tested everyday by a higher power to see if I will snap and lose it someday…And I can never pass the test, I can only fail it by losing my shit and beating the tits off of some jerk who won’t stop tailgating me, even though there are 3 other lanes of traffic for him to easily pass me.
Anyway, I wanted to list just one road peeve of mine right now…It’s a shame actually, all these newer model cars that are being sold without signals that work properly…That can be the only expanation for why so many Masshole drivers never signal before turning…Either their blinkers don’t work or they are the laziest human beings alive…How hard is it to flick a lever that is located about one-third of an inch from where your hand is already placed? Is it that much trouble to drop or raise one finger to hit a switch that would be enough to warn other drivers when you are turning your two thousand pound vehicle onto another road? Is it that these people feel they shouldn’t have to be bothered to flick god knows how many levers throughout their day for the amusement of others? It’s honestly disturbing how far we’ve come with technology and we can’t find a way for a driver to scratch his ass, drink his coffee and actually drive safely at the same damn time…I’m uphalued that the car makers haven’t found a way for us to telepathically signal when we wanna turn
Lastly, I’m willing to bet these world-beaters are changing radio stations constantly but, again, can’t be bothered to show even the smallest bit of respect for other drivers, not to mention obey the law by using their directional signals…The problem isn’t so much that they have failed at life, it’s that they are having children and ultimately breeding more failure into society.
I was working at Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Massachusetts.
My buddy Bill (his dad was the CEO) asked me if I had any plans?
“No plans Billy, what’s shaking?”
I have tickets to Lebron’s first game at the Garden.
After a quick fight with the girfriend of the day I was in. Great deal, sweet seats & a parking pass. So there I was, 24 years od watching this “kid” play the Celts for the first time.
I’ve told you I’m a fair weather hoops fan at best, but I knew enough to recognize that Lebron was the player of my youth.
I remember thinking, this kid is 19?!? He was a beast, visibly more powerful than everyone on the floor.
Here is a snippet of the ESPN.com game summary from that night:
“BOSTON (AP) — LeBron James might be the most crowd-pleasing rookie ever.
He goes into opponents’ buildings, sells them out, and loses.
James remained winless on the road as a pro after Paul Pierce scored 19 points to help the Boston Celtics beat the Cavaliers 91-82 Friday night. It was Cleveland’s sixth loss in as many road games this year — five of them sellouts — and its 27th in a row overall.
“It’s not wearing on me yet. It’s a long season,” said James, the high school phenom who was the first overall pick in the NBA draft. “I don’t like it, of course. I’m a winner. But it can’t start wearing on me this soon.”
Vin Baker had 13 points with 11 rebounds for Boston, which had its second sellout of the season, its first since opening night. The 17,624 will be able to say they saw James’ Boston debut, but they won’t have much else to say about it.
So Yeah, I was one of 17,624…
I watched Vin&Tonic school the lowly Cavs but knew that I was part of history that night.
I remember thinking Lebron was gonna do something great that night and guess what… he didn’t.
I’m really sorry to say it but it never happend … and guess what?
It’s never going to…
Lebron is a freak of nature, he really is. An aboslute man child and probably one of the strongest men in NBA history but guess what?
So was Patrick Ewing…
My point is that Lebron has won exactley NOTHING yet!
When he tripped and fell (and somehow drew a foul) with .005 left on the clock and kncked down those 2 free throws I turned to my buddy Kris & said…
Here is your next Nike commercial, except one thing. They didn’t win the game, and since Lebron’s been there they haven’t won THE GAME.
I’m sorry but he doesn’t have “it”, David Stern & all the ad execs want him to have “it” so bad but it’s just not there. There are flashs of “it” but it’s mostly manufactured by the league.
So let me be the first to make the James v. Ewing comparsion… Bron-Bron is gonna chase the big dollars out of Cleavland and get rich(er) being an “un supported” star for the Knicks.
Then he’s going to fade off into the distace like soem other big man I once knew….
So Yeah, I was one of 17,624…
Intersting Game Notes from that night:
Game notes
Jones was a late addition to the Boston starting lineup in place of Kedrick Brown. … Silas played four seasons with the Celtics from 1973-76, winning two NBA titles. … The Celtics placed C Raef LaFrentz on the injured list Friday with right knee tendinitis. He could return on Nov. 26. The Celtics also activated rookie center Kendrick Perkins from the injured list. He’s been out with tendinitis in both knees.
Perk’s 1st game as well, amazing how time flies. The whole box score can be fonud at;
So as some readers may or may not have notcied (depending on who gives a shit about my rants), I took the weekend off…I’d like to say it was because I was living it up on some tropical island or partying on a cruise or even working to make some extra dough…But no, I was celebrating the deaths of our war heroes like most hot fat Americans: eating way too many burgers, chicken and steak tips and drinking myself into a stooper that lasted from friday though tuesday morning…And ofcourse, some interesting stuff occured
Friday I went to a local bar…The kind of bar where everybody knows my name…Whether they were glad I came or not, I don’t know and I don’t care…Cheap booze + bad kareoke + crazy-ass drunks = a big smile on the Angry Fat Guy’s fat face…I know pretty much everyone in this bar either by name or face or even what they drink (I call one gal peppermint shnapps Patty), but friday there was a weirdo who I had never seen before…He was sitting by himself at on end of the bar with his face buried deep into a kareoke selection catalog…It was an empty part of the bar and very bartender-accesible…I was at the bar with my girlfriend and a friend of hers and normally I’d send one of them up to get the drinks (they fly I buy, a rule ALL hot fat guys should live by), but I didn’t want them to have to talk to this nut bag…Good call on my part as this guy turned out to be seven shades of crazy
I order the drinks, and he never even looked up out of the catalog but mumbled “Hey guy, you play poker?” …I do, and I told him that…”I play poker six nights a week, and I’m great at skeeball, I bet you are too” my new shady friend said…Random, but the fact is, I am very good at skeeball…So now, I’m thinking I might somehow know this guy when finally he looks, tells me his name and says “What do you drink Jack and diets?”.. I DO! But I had ordered three vodka and cranberrys because it was easier to say and I’ll drink anything, but Jack and diets are infact my drink of choice.
“Do I know you dude?” I finally asked…He said not unless I used to live in Jersey because he’s lived there his whole life and is only in the Boston area for a wedding…Now is a good time to tell you that he was wearing a Nomar Garciaparra Red Sox jersey…Nomah hasn’t played here since the middle of the ‘04 season…Now, enough time has passed that if a Sox fan wore that shirt to a bar it possibly could be considered funny, but mostly any Sox fan who still owns that shirt would probably only wear it out if he lost a bet…Plus, keep in mind this dude says he’s from New Jersey (no accent by the way, he sounded more southern, but whatever…Also, he never looked me in the eye at all when he spoke to me…He had that crazy look to the side of me thing going on)
So when the bartender comes back, she asks where my girlfriend is…I was just about to point her out when crazy Jersey guy blurts out “Blonde girl with pink streaks wearing the hoodie at the table by the door”…Whoa! I had walked in with her, scoped out the scene, asked her what she wanted to drink and went straight to the bar…Crazy Nomar fan never looked up until way after that and it would have been very balsy for him to assume she was my girlfriend with no pryor knowledge of it…Now I was a little nervous…The bartender, who knows my girlfriend pretty good, shot me a look as if to say “this guy’s nuttier than a three-balled squirel” and I shot a look back that said “I think this guy might be stalking me, he’s creeping me out” and then I actually said “Dude, you’re creeping me the fuck out” to which he responded “what’s up with your girl’s friend, she’s kinda cute”
Luckily, cuckoo for cocoa puffs sang a bad version of Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive,” was promptly shut off and walked out by some of the regulars who also happen to beat people up for a fun…He walked around the parking lot like a zombie walking on broken glass until his cab showed up…Hopefully, I will never see him again
Saturday was a quiet day…Went to a BBQ, played some bad backyard games and watched my buddy fight with his wife…Oh, I raced and beat a girl in a chug contest…We chugged hard iced tea, so it was hardly fair…Basically it was like me hydrating after drinking a bunch of beers…And the fact that I beat a girl is irrelevant beacuse she challenged me…You don’t ask to ride the bull if you’re gonna cry when you get thrown off, honey…The highlight of my weekend though was that I ate about 2 lbs of boneless buffalo chicken from Windy City Pizza in Dorchester, MA…If you’re in the neighborhood, try them! www.windypizza.com
Sunday I took it easy…I had to buy another AC because mine happened to break saturday night and hot fat guys cannot, I repeat cannot live with air conditioners in our bedrooms…I watched a few movies and my girlfriend brought me home some Indian food for dinner…I found out something about myself sunday and it’s that I love Indian food…It is awesome…I don’t know where she got it from or I’d give that website too.
Monday was by far the pinnacle of my weekend for eating…I went to a cookout that had literally a ton of food…I mean like tables upon tables of meat…Plus I knew the dude grilling, so I got to taste whatever I wanted before he put it out…But before I got there, I got stuck behind an absolutle moron on a rotary…This douche was literally stopped in a rotary…Anybody who has ever driven in a rotary knows that you don’t just stop…If you’re not sure what exit you want to take to leave the rotary, then you simply keep circling the rotary until you figure it out…Don’t believe me? Just watch National Lampoon’s European vacation…Clark Griswold will show you how it’s done.
Anyway, this dope is completely stopped in the middle of the rotary…She’s also blocking an entrance to the rotary and more importantly, she’s blocking ME from going to where I need to be and that’s a place that has free food and booze…So I honked at her…And I never honk…I usually scream at my windshield until I get dizzy or until the person I’m screaming at turns to me, and then I dlip them off and punch the roof of my car…BUT, being that I needed this waste of oxygen to move her car, I honked…She responded by shrugging her shoulders at me…WTF? She single handedly has caused a traffic jam, and already stolen three minutes from my life and she shrugs as if to say “hmm, look at the mess I’ve caused” like it’s a friggin sit-com…Cue the wacky music and credits because this situation will have to wait until next week to be resloved…Wacka, wacka
When I finally got enough room to squeeze by her, she was still not moving at all and on her cell phone laughing…Silly me, I didn’t realize it was comedy hour on this rotary, I thought it was don’t be an asshole in the middle of the rotary hour…I hate people who either don’t know the rules of driving, or who know the rules but choose not to abide by them because they think they are more important than anyone else on the road…Like stopping in the middle of traffic is perfectly acceptable if you’re lost…Seriously people, if you can’t handle the priveledge (it’s not a right) of driving then stay home…Or talk public transportation…Or kill yourself…just leave the driving to the people who won’t cause other people to pull their hair out
I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day and accompanying weekend
It’s 1:42 AM on Sunday night of Memorial Day weekend.
I’m here with the laptop on…. my lap.
Trying to think of something interesting to write about.
You see, I don’t want this site to be a collection of other people’s websites’ ideas and thoughts. I want it to be original, because in the end that’s what will separate us from every other “daily visit” site on the web.
That’s also the brilliance of one of my favorite sites, www.theonion.com. If you don’t know the onion you probably live in a cave, great site and all original (and funny) content.
Don’t get me wrong you’ll find your share of youtube clips, and links to other sites here because people do funny sh*t and I like to share that. Particularly when I realized that as of today Mountain View, CA is one of our most popular city.
I understand that this is because it is essentially the capital of Silicon Valley & has a little company headquarters there you may have heard of, Google.
Whatever, I don’t care how many super server farms there are, it still means people in Cali love the HotFatGuys and oh yes…. we love you too!
In more of a San Diego way than a San Francisco way but …. well…. you get it.
The point is that the Internet is a big place (great cliche, fatso) and we are doing what we can to keep it fresh & original, so we hope you like it so far.
With that being said here are some of this HotFatGuy’s latest nuggets of wisdom:
1) My buddy (and fellow HotFatGuy) Jack got married this weekend. You may say to yourself “who gives a sh*t) people get married all the time. This is true, it’s not that he got married that’s interesting its how.
He eloped…
Again, not that interesting right? People elope, it happens, but listen to how this guy decides to tell the world he finally got married after being engaged for 212 years.
By mail…
That’s correct, I get a call at work from my wife on Saturday. She informs me that we got a card in the mail announcing that Jack had eloped and inviting us to join him for a party on June 27th.
Now you need to understand that Jack is a close friend, he was a groomsman in both mine AND my brother’s wedding. He also has (arguably) the biggest mouth of anyone I know. So when I called my brother to confer about the recent developments you can imagine my surprise when I realized… he didn’t know either.
Nobody new, crazy sh*t… after playing phone tag I realized he was in NH with his new wife and inlaws. Apparently he’s William Wallace and needed to marry in secret. Hopefully some NH guy with one tooth didn’t ride up on a Harley claiming “Primae Noctis”.
All joking aside though they are good people and we wish them all the happyness in the world!
2) Drag Me to Hell – Ok, I’ve been watching previews for this flick for a month or two now. Summer movie season is heating up and the good folks at Universal are pushing this one hard. Typical underworld sh*t; breathing locusts, demons, etc. Then I saw the most recent preview and something really bugged me. It’s the reason for the curse in the first place…
She won’t give an elderly Slavic woman a THIRD extension on her mortgage?!? So she curses her to HELL?!? And it works?!? Are you fucking kidding me? This is ridiculous…
Pay you’re mortgagae on time you crazy old bitch. I know we’re in a recession but can’t you find someone more suitable to curse?
The Meter Maid
Bob from Bob’s Discount Home Furniture (This man is the devil)
Bucky Dent, Aaron Boone or Scott Walker?
Oh yeah and the leading man that is going to help her get through all this….
The guy from the Apple commercials…
I don’t know about you but this sounds like a category 5 stinker to me.
I’ll tell you this though, some crazy old Slavic bitch comes into my store to return something you better believe I’m giving her whatever she wants.
Here is the preview if you haven’t seen it:
3) Inglourious Basterds- Now THIS is a Summer movie… I think.
I didn’t like American Gangster the first time I saw it because I though it was going to be more Goodfellas esque. I have since re-watched it 10 times and taking it for what it is, it’s a good flick.
That’s kind of how I feel about this movie, looks like Tarantino is hyping it more as a satire or Spaghetti Western but the preview looks anything but.
The preview seems like you’re gonna see a bunch of bad-ass American boys eliminate some Nazi’s with extreme prejudice (pun intended). Particularly if you read about the original “Inglorious Bastards”. The important thing to remember here is that well Tarantino’s movie is based on the original, it is not a remake.
Still looks like it coulc be cool though… here is the preview:
So that’s it for now, it was a doozy at the Full Time gig this weekend. It never ceases to amaze me how upset people can get over furniture.
Hope everyone has a fun and filling weekend! Keep spreading the word on HotFatGuys.com…
